Three Things your ADHD Partner Wishes you Knew
Relationships are hard. ADHD can be hard. Being in a relationship where one person has ADHD and the other doesn’t can be an extra level of hard. It can be fairly easy to find information about successful relationships in general, but what about when one partner has ADHD? What do you need to know?
#1 ADHD isn’t intentional
Sometimes ADHD can look like “laziness” or refusal to do things. Generally, this isn’t the case though. Most adults (and kids!) with ADHD want to do the things they need to do, but their brain gets in the way. While it can look like your partner is sitting on the couch doing nothing, there is usually much more going on in their head.
ADHD impacts task initiation, which simply means being able to start doing something. Our brains need things to feel new, exciting, or important in order to be able to start things. And the importance needs to feel immediate as well. While this is often seen as procrastination, the reality is that our brains need the external pressure of “oh no! The thing must be done NOW!” It’s hard for our brains to recognize dishes as an immediate must-do.
ADHD also impacts executive functioning. People without ADHD can hear a task like “take out the trash” and instantly break it down into all the little steps needed to take out the trash. ADHD brains can struggle to break this down into the smaller steps required. They may take the full trash bag out to the bin, but they don’t put a new bag in the trash can. Or, they may bring the bins down to the curb, but they may not empty each of the cans in the house into the larger bin. Our brains simply struggle to break these tasks down unless given specific instructions.
ADHD brains struggle with object permanence too. Ever hear the saying “out of sight, out of mind?” Same thing. When something isn’t in front of our faces right now, it might as well not exist. So your partner might notice that the milk is almost empty when they are looking in the fridge, but as soon as they close the door, the almost empty milk carton is out of their mind.
This can happen with people and relationships too. It’s not that we don’t love or care about others, but when they aren’t in front of our face, we don’t really notice that we haven’t had contact in a while. And this can lead to shame, since we do care!
All of these struggles (and more!) are due to the way our brains work. It’s not a matter of trying harder- we truly can’t! This is where it is so important to help support your partner. Figure out ways together for them to complete tasks. This can look like your partner taking responsibility for tasks that work better for them, having a visible household calendar to identify tasks, body-doubling chores and responsibilities, or anything else that works for the both of you.
#2 People with ADHD need you to be their partner, not their parent
While it is important to work together, and while the ADHD partner may need more reminders for tasks, it’s important to be their partner, not their parent. The ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner need to work together to figure out accommodations. As the non-ADHD partner, it is not your responsibility to do all of the work of the relationship and the household. And no one likes to nag. Talk with your partner about ways you can help, but also make sure your own needs are being met.
Your ADHD partner does not need to be yelled at or “disciplined.” While those of us with ADHD experience a lot of shame about our symptoms and struggles, shame doesn’t give us the ability to do things. While recognition is nice, praise can feel patronizing for things like emptying the dishwasher. Remember, your partner is not your child; don’t treat them like one.
#3 ADHD and shame go hand-in-hand
Shame and ADHD go together like peanut butter and jelly. Most adults with ADHD (and especially those who weren’t diagnosed until adulthood) struggle with feelings of shame. We blame ourselves for our struggles because we’ve often been told our entire lives that we are lazy, too much, or not trying hard enough. But ADHDers are often trying our hardest! We generally feel bad about our struggles and often blame ourselves. Yet the amount of effort ADHDers put into general tasks is often more than those without ADHD, simply because of how difficult these things are for us.
This does not mean that you can never get upset or frustrated with your ADHD partner, nor does it mean that they don’t ever have to contribute to the relationship. Try to meet them with understanding, and stay away from statements like “you always” or “you never” or “just try harder.” We’ve heard these things our entire lives, and they don’t help change anything except for making us feel even worse about ourselves.
So there you have it, three things your ADHD partner wishes you knew, along with ways to help support them. If you are a partner with ADHD in North or South Carolina and need additional support click here to schedule a free 15-minute consult to learn more about getting help with addressing shame or managing relationships. And if you’re looking for an ADHD evaluation, click here for more info.
