Top Three Tips for a Positive Relationship with your Autistic Partner
Relationships and marriage can be hard. They take a lot of work and a ton of communication. It can be even harder when the partners are coming from different backgrounds, cultures, and of course, neurotypes. Most of the relationship advice out there is written for neurotypical couples. While many of those skills apply to pretty much every relationship, there are some more specific tips for allistic (not autistic) folks married to or in a relationship with an autistic person.
#1 Learn more about autism from affirming sources
Hopefully you are aware that there is a lot of bad (and downright harmful!) information out there about autism. This is why it’s so important to learn about autism from affirming sources. Find information from folks with lived experience, that talk about the joys and struggles of being autistic. I’ve got some suggestions here, but there are also a TON of accounts on Instagram, tiktok, facebook, and whatever other social media you may be into.
Getting information from these sources can help give you a better understanding of your partner’s strengths and struggles. And it doesn’t put all of the burden on your partner to explain every single detail about their inner workings, because that can be incredibly difficult.
Think about it for a second- if someone asked you what it’s like to be neurotypical, would you be able to fully explain that? Probably not. So getting good information from other sources can help explain some of the differences between you and your partner better.
Keep in mind, that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. Just because one person experiences their autism in a certain way doesn’t mean the same is true for your partner, or any other autistic adult. Everyone is individual and unique. While outside sources can help give you a general idea, it’s always good to check in with your partner for how true those things may be for them.
#2 Recognize their sensory needs
Sensory concerns and autism go hand in hand, and getting sensory needs met is extremely important for autistic people. So how can you as a partner support this?
Find out what your partner’s sensory needs are. Again, everyone’s specific needs are different, and what your partner needs in one situation may be very different in another. Sometimes these needs can seem contradictory, but I promise, your partner isn’t trying to be difficult or picky.
Sensory needs change depending on many things, such as overall stress levels, what’s happening with other sensory systems, time of day, setting, how unmasked someone is, and more. Your partner may need quiet in the evenings after a long day of work or being around kids, but they may be the type who turns the volume all the way up on their music in the car. This doesn’t mean that either of these needs aren’t real; the situation is different.
And these needs are true needs, not just a “want.” Everyone has areas where they need more or less sensory input, whether you’re autistic or not. Believe your parnter when they tell you the smell of detergent is too strong and makes them feel sick. That may not be the case for you, but it is for them. In a case like this, unscented detergent can go a long way to helping your partner not feel overwhelmed.
If you have seemingly opposite sensory needs, get creative to figure out how to get both of your needs met! Say one partner needs to be able to watch action movies to unwind in the evenings, but the other partner needs complete silence. Can you both hang out in different rooms? Can the partner watching TV use headphones so their partner can have silence? Is there another way that the two of you can unwind together and get your sensory needs met? Get creative!
Alone time falls into this too. Many autistic adults (kids too!) need time alone after a day of masking to decompress and get regulated again. They’re overstimulated and the world can feel like everything is turned up to 11. This doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you or doesn’t want to be with you. They just need time alone, with zero expectations from anyone else. This can often lead to feeling “touched out” even if they aren’t being touched all day long. Again, this isn’t a rejection of you that your partner doesn’t want to cuddle or have sex. It’s a legitimate need.
Talk with your partner about their needs and what works for them. Does morning sex work better so they aren’t already burned out from the day? Can you sit on the couch together without touching? Are there forms of touch that generally aren’t overstimulating for them? Can you hold hands? Again, communication is important to find what works for you as a couple.
#3 Communicate, communicate, communicate
Communication is one of the most important parts of a positive relationship. But, as with everything else we’ve talked about, it has to happen in a way that works for both partners.
In our society as a whole, autistic people are often expected to communicate in neurotypical ways, yet the reverse isn’t true. There is nothing inherently wrong about either general style of communication- it generally becomes a problem when you both have different styles.
Generally speaking, autistic people communicate in a direct manner and take things at face value. If you say to your autistic spouse “looks like we’re out of milk,” they are likely to understand that simply as you said it: you are out of milk. But the neurotypical partner often means “we are out of milk and I need you to go to the store to buy more.” This can lead to frustration on both parts when the autistic partner doesn’t go get milk. They thought you were simply making a statement, but you had expectations underneath that statement.
Think about what you are *actually* saying when making a request of your autistic partner, and if they don’t guess your intentions correctly, try to be more clear in the future.
On the other side of things, be sure when you are asking a question that your intent is clear. “Do you want to go to the party tonight” sounds as if you are asking about desire. Your partner may not want to go, but may be willing to go. If you ask “do you want to,” you’re likely to get a “no,” where if you ask “will you go with me” may be more likely to get a “yes.”
Clarification is often needed on both sides, so don’t be afraid to double-check intent with your partner! It’s ok to ask more details about what your partner means, and this can even decrease conflict over time.
Speaking of clarification, many autistic adults need to be able to fully understand things, and will often ask for more details. Remember that this is not a matter of being rude, or trying to argue. It’s often from a place of genuinely needing more details. Our brains crave fully understanding things, and arbitrary rules and expectations are incredibly difficult for us.
Another important piece of communication is what we use to actually communicate. Generally, people think of verbal communication, but that’s not the only way to talk! Some autistic adults can go non-speaking when overstimulated or overwhelmed. Again, this isn’t being passive-aggressive. It’s a genuine need.
During these times, you may need to find other ways to communicate. But first- in the moment is not the time to figure this out. Talk when you’re both calm about how you can support your partner when they aren’t able to speak. Some autistic adults use an AAC (augmentative and alternative communication device) to communicate. Some may still be able to type or text. And some just need the time to not have any communication expectations placed on them. Find out what works best for your partner.
Finally, listen when they talk about their special interests! Autistic people not only love to engage with and talk about their special interests, but again, it’s a genuine need. While you might not care about the fall of the Byzantine Empire, if that is what your partner is interested in, listen when they talk to you about it.
Now, this doesn’t mean that every second of your day needs to be filled with your partner telling you about things that don’t interest you. And they absolutely need to listen when you talk about things they aren’t interested in too. But not listening while your partner info-dumps on you is harmful to the relationship. It can make your partner feel unloved and unwanted. So not only listen, but engage in it with them! See a funny meme or video related to their interest? Send it to them! Sit with them while they build a computer, or ask them about the book they’re reading. You may end up liking it more than you expected!
There you have it, the top 3 tips for a positive relationship with your autistic partner. Keeping these things in mind can help decrease conflict and increase those feelings of closeness. However, if your relationship is continuing to struggle, it may be time to seek help from a marriage or couples counselor. If you want to learn more about choosing an affirming provider, who can understand autism, you can read my post on that here.
And if you are the autistic partner in North or South Carolina, and need support in your relationship (or anything else), click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation where we can talk more about ways therapy could be helpful for you. Looking for an autism evaluation? Click here for more information on affirming autism evaluations.
